Direct mail from nonprofits: All about You, You, You

Besides making videos for nonprofits, I do fundraising writing. Last week I heard some great advice from Tom Ahern who spoke at the NDOA conference (a professional association for people working for nonprofits). And so I took a look at this recent email I got from Mercy Corps, a well-respected nonprofit based in Portland. Here is my critique.

Marketing communications should be about the customer, or in this example the donor. The donor should be the topic. This direct mail piece starts out right: count all the uses of "you" and "your" in the first paragraph.

But then it shifts to "us" the nonprofit and "our Partners" ... and that weakens the impact. You find phrases like "our Partners...make our work happen," and the need for donors so "we can reach even more children." The piece should have stayed focused on lifting up the individual donor -- the superhero who makes things happen, and the only person who can save lives.

Word choices and phrases also drift into cold jargon such as "infrastructure" and "rebuild their communities." We're missing the feel of a natural conversation.

I recommend that you all visit Tom Ahern's website for some good advice about copywriting. His tips apply to business as well as nonprofits.